I have been existing in this world for 32 years and yet wala pa rin akong napapatunayan sa sarili ko. Nabubuhay pa rin ako sa anino ng pagsisisi at sa awa sa sarili - na alam ko namang sarili kong kagagawan. Ngayong isang oras at ilang minuto na ang lumipas at akoý 32 na, parang karaniwang araw ulit ang aking haharapin.
My birthday was like any other ordinary day. Mas malungkot pa nga kasi concious ka na lumagpas na sa calendaryo ang edad ko... lumipat na sya sa numero sa thermometer. Parang wala naman talagang special na pangyayari except for the greetings na nabasa sa Facebook, sa cake na binili ni Kermit at Sarah. Wala rin namang significant na feeling na umuusbong sa aking pagkatao. Wala talagang pinagbago. Pasalamat na lang siguro ako at ako ay naka leave ngayon sa trabaho. Other than that - nah.
Buti na lang there are new things about me that I want to discover - the yearning to push my limits and at the same time, fulfill the dream of living a healthy lifestyle - quit smoking at eventually losing a lot of weight. Good thing that I started to run again.
Ewan ko lang kung ano pa talaga ang mga dadating sa hinaharap. 32 years na mejo bitter-bitteran ang pakiramdam ko - though people do not seem to see it - but then deep inside - I am ... not super happy with what I have now.
I dunno if this mentality will ever go away. I hope it will. Anyway, I still have a whole new year to rechannel all of my energy and my frustration and all of the sadness I feel inside...
Definitely, there will be a lot of things to come my way...and I am sure these things - good or bad, will make me better.